so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
