When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Plan B is the new Plan A
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
Randomize
