Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize