Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
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