Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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