I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
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