So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
