Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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