I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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