If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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