Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
