her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
