I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Randomize
