I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Randomize
