TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
Did you just see the Batmobile???
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
