I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
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