3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
where does the pee come out of this thing
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Randomize
