I faked an abortion last night.
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Randomize
