My friends, they love my intelligence
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
