Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
