I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
