stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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