You can't special order awesome
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
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