we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
I got her a Nickelback box set.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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