im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Randomize
