I'm pants shitting drunk right now
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
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