i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
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