I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
