When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
