I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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