I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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