Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
