dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
the condom got lost in my hair
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Randomize
