I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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