Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
she pinky promised me she was 18
We talked him into tasing himself.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
