Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
