I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
I have all the porn. Be there soon
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