Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
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