i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
Randomize
