She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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