I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Just high enough for therapy.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Randomize
