peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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