We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
