We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
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