So drunk, too bad you don't want this
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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