Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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