You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Randomize
