My liver just broke up with me...
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
