anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
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