there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
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