Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize