I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize